In the past I’ve shared what God is teaching me through scriptures. I would like to take a moment and share a little of my story, with the hopes that in it you will see God’s fingerprints. That it will encourage you that He is faithful. After all, He is the author of my story, so hopefully I can do it justice.

My story has been riddled with challenges of one kind or another. My physical pain seemed to be the only constant. I have two different genetic disorders that are warring within my body causing constant pain. In Oregon this pain was all consuming. Being in pain 24/7 is mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausting. It encompasses every aspect of your life. There were days I’d get to the point where I was functioning on autopilot. At the end of the day, there were gaps of time that were completely missing. Sometimes something as simple as putting together a complete sentence was a challenge, so I would just stay silent because it was easier. When I tried to talk, complicated words (like bird) eluded me. I would try to come up with alternate words or sounds or actions just to finish a sentence. Then there’s the emotional side of pain. Watching my kids’ eyes fill with fear when they would see me in bed again in the middle of the day. Or the sadness when they realized I was going to miss yet another softball game or family outing. Or when my husband needed his wife but there was literally nothing left except a hollow shell of who I once was.

But even worse than that was the spiritual exhaustion. You see, my family and I prayed, begged God for healing. We prayed for over 7 years for healing. All we heard was silence. We heard silence because we were looking for physical healing and He was answering our prayers in a much larger way. When all you hear is silence you start doubting that He is really listening. Does He even care? Maybe I don’t have enough faith. Watching Jason wrestle with doubt was horrible. Between us, he was always the one with the stronger faith. Because I wasn’t getting healed, because my body wouldn’t respond to medicine, because of me he was walking through a dry and lonely desert and there was nothing I could do.

Each time my life was shattered by unforeseen events, I would question and doubt who God was. After all, if He’s all powerful, and all knowing, He should have been able to stop all of this. I would rant and rave and fight Him and then fall into a reluctant obedience. I would start gathering the broken pieces and trying to glue them back together only to be shaken by the next obstacle. It wasn’t if I was fighting a battle, it was how many I was fighting at once. And it wasn’t just me. My loved ones were under attack.

Shortly after I found out I needed surgery to fuse my spine, I was driving to work and the song “Even If’ came on by Mercy Me. I began to sing the words to one of my favorite songs “I know the sorrow I know the hurt could all go away if you just say the word,” I realized I was saying it in anger. Accusing Him for not stepping in; for allowing me and my family to be constantly shattered. At that moment I heard, “I either am who I say I am, or I’m not. You need to decide.” Then I heard the rest of the chorus “But even if you don’t, my hope is you alone.” This song is based on a verse in Daniel 3:17-18, “If that is the case our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace and He will deliver us from your hand, O king. But even if He doesn’t let it be known to you, O king, that we do not serve your gods, nor will we worship the gold image which you have set up.” I could feel the “Even if……?” hanging in the air and my mind started reeling. Even if I’m not healed, even if my kids end up with my health issues, even if my loved ones aren’t delivered from the fire, even if…. would I still trust Him? I felt like He was asking me to surrender all my worst-case scenarios and stop fighting and doubting Him each time something bad happened in my life. “Will you trust Me in all of life’s “even if” moments?”

That was a turning point in my walk with Him. I answered yes, even if…. I will choose to trust God because He is who He says He is regardless of what is happening in my life. It’s made a huge difference in my life. There are times I still struggle with His answers, but I find these two small words creeping into my heart. Even If……

I stated that God was answering our prayers in a much larger way. Here’s what I meant by that. After I chose to trust God, I started seeing that He truly had been healing me slowly over the years. He was healing me emotionally by showing me that people loved me even when I truly had nothing to give. He was healing me mentally by showing me that even when the body is weak, and I can’t physically be there for people, that I can still listen and be a shoulder to cry on. And most importantly He was healing me spiritually, He was showing me that through all the times in my life that I felt like He wasn’t there, that He was crying right along with me and feeling all the pain, and heartache that I was. He was healing my view of my marriage and showing me that my husband’s love was truly for me. Not based on what I could do or be for him. He was healing my relationship with my daughter, showing me that He is enough for her and that I can’t be her savior. He was working miracles in my son’s life to bring him closer to Himself, and to reveal His love for him. He was showing Himself faithful to my husband in the desert, showing Jason that he could question, and doubt and that God would remain true. He was removing my burden of having to be everything to everyone and instead to trust Him with my loved ones because He loves them even more than I do. God has also provided some reprieve from the physical pain by moving us to Alabama. In His way and in His time. He is faithful even in the silence. That it’s not my job to try to fix what I think is broken but to trust Him with the pieces to create the masterpiece.