My husband and daughter have been given the gift of faith. This doesn’t mean that they don’t question or doubt, but that their go-to answer is, the Bible said it so therefore it’s true. My son and I, on the other hand, have been given the gift of doubt. I didn’t see it as a gift at first but over the years I’ve come to appreciate the roll doubt has played in my life. Every time I doubt or question God, He’s proven Himself over and over again. We all give doubting Thomas a bad rap for wanting proof of Jesus’s resurrection, but he just wanted what all the other disciples had already received. When Jesus rose from the dead, He returned to the disciples and showed them His hands and His side and it says, “then the disciples were glad when they saw the Lord.” John 20:20b Thomas wasn’t there though. If your buddies showed up and told you that someone you watched die was alive, I think you’d have the same response. All the Bible says about the interaction is they said, “We’ve seen the Lord.” My guess is this was a much longer conversation. It appears like he was the only one at this point who hadn’t seen the risen Christ yet. I’m assuming they told him that Jesus even showed them where the nails went and His side where they pierced Him. Feeling like he was on the biggest episode of “Punked” ever he responds, “Unless I see in His hands the print of the nails and put my finger into the print of the nails, and put my hand into His side, I will not believe.” John 20:25b In this statement he was reminding the others that nails had been driven into Jesus’s hands and a spear was thrust into His side. That Jesus was dead, and no amount of storytelling was going to make him believe. When Jesus appeared to Thomas, He told him to touch His hand and sides and to look and believe. “Thomas, because you have seen Me you have believed. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” John 20:29

I’ve always loved this verse because I haven’t seen Jesus and I believe; therefore, I must be blessed. If I was completely honest though, I believe because I have seen His works, creation and miracles He’s done in my life. I have doubted His goodness and He has shown me His scars. Thomas was there for the other miracles that Jesus did, yet he still needed proof when the biggest roadblock came up in his life. When I run across a speed bump, I find myself getting frustrated with having to slow down to avoid hitting my head, swerving to avoid the potholes or having to turn around and go a different route to avoid the flooded road. Questioning and doubting the path that I’ve been placed on all the while not seeing the head on collision that I may have just avoided by taking the detour. I look through the narrow windshield of my life and foolishly believe I can see the whole picture and forgetting that God is the one guiding and directing. Then God, in His mercies, will show me a glimpse of what He’s doing. He patiently shows me His hands again and reminds me that He is in control.

The other morning, I was erasing the whiteboard on my fridge to make room for the endless lists of groceries and chores. To help balance it out I will try to write a verse on it, so I asked the kids if they had any suggestions. Justin instantly volunteered. Romans 12:19 “Friends, do not avenge yourselves; instead, leave room for God’s wrath, because it is written, ‘Vengeance belongs to me; I will repay,’ says the Lord.” I recently ran into a very large pothole in my life, he’s made it onto my top 5 list. Potholes that mess with my kids are the absolute worst kind. As I wrote this verse, “leave room for God’s wrath,” grabbed a hold of me. I’ve been so angry and focused on making sure this pothole knew what he’d done and trying to figure out how to make it right, that I once again forgot that I’m not seeing the whole picture. I’m not focused on what really matters. When Peter walked on water, he did fine until he took his eyes off Jesus. Jesus instantly caught him and said, “Oh you of little faith, why did you doubt?” I’ve seen God’s hand in my life more often than not, but I continue to waiver with each new roadblock. I doubt His goodness and question His methods. I stand next to the potholes in my life and question why they are there, instead of leaving them in my dust and moving forward. Jesus waited eight days to reveal Himself to Thomas. I’m guessing in that time there was a lot of conversations trying to convince Thomas that Jesus was alive. Recounting how He had just appeared in the room, the scars, the conversations He had with them. Eight days of questioning, doubting, trying to figure out reality. Thomas wasn’t left there though. Jesus showed up and answered his questions. As I search for answers every time Jesus graciously reaches out with these same words, “Oh you of little faith, why did you doubt?” And each time He catches me it reinforces my faith. Just like a child jumping into the arms of her father. The first time is always the hardest, but with each additional jump and catch that relationship and trust is built. My hope is that one day I will be able to jump without a care in the world. Until then I will rest in the fact that He is standing there saying, “Jump! I’ve got you. Look at all the times I’ve caught you before, I won’t let you fall this time either.”

Jesus, please show me your scars again. Help me focus on who You are and what You’ve done for me and leave room for not just Your wrath, but Your grace, mercy and peace.